Last night I followed through with a lot of things that had been on my life to-do list for a few months or years, you know, in case I may not come back home today.
I put only a few things so that I know are important to me, things that I know I want to stay there when I leave this physical world that we exist in. Added a couple of pictures of me to my IG profile and... made peace with the fact that I may not come back, not today, not ever.
I've always been very vocal that I'm ready for my parents to die but in January I realized it wasn't true. When my mom got worse because of COVID it was an opportunity to see that I wasn't prepared at all for her to not be around anymore.
We don't talk much and we see each other only sparingly but I know that I love her and even though we knew we've always been true to ourselves, there were some things I wanted to do with her before she went away.
I called from my iPad. Sometimes we use Zoom or Hangouts so I can share my screen to show her the pictures I've shot. This one was slightly different though, we didn't need to screen share. I was going to share myself.
I told her everything I haven't wanted to say before because there may be some awkward things that I'm ashamed of. I talked to her about what I think of, I told her about my relationships and how broken my heart is. I told her I loved her and even though I wasn't ready for her to leave, I thanked her for all the things she's done for me all of these years and that even when I may not show it I do appreciate it, I do notice it, and I'm thankful for her unconditional support.
I didn't want her to leave without truly knowing the son she raised. I showed myself to her as this flawed human with a lot of defects that is trying to do his best.
I don't want her to leave having any regrets about anything.
I don't want to go with any regrets.
I've made mistakes and I've tried to correct them.
I've forgotten about things but have made efforts to be back on track.
I've hurt people but I'm apologizing, and I'm making sure that I won't do it again.
People say when you're about to die you'll regret all the things you wish you had done, I'm not going to die with any regrets because I'll make sure I do everything I'm supposed to do, even if it's incredibly hard.
Published by Julio Montaño on May 11, 2021